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and some stuff about cars...
In the beginning, and for the sake of brevity, there were only two types of cars in the whole world.
There were Land Rovers...
and there were Ford Focuseseses.
And life was good. The Focuseses would hang about with the other Focuseses, there would be great parties in honour of the Great Blue Oval from which they were spawned. There was much Focus-on-Focus action, and shortly along came the pitter-patter of a fuel injected 1 litre Fiesta.
Bless.
And the Land Rovers would have the parties in honour of the great green oval from which they had been borned. And inevitably, some Land Rover on Land Rover action occured but because they were the mighty Spartan-esque Land Rovers, the result was only a slightly-less-macho Land Rover...
Because they have phenomenally macho genes or something.
Stay with me, I do have a point.
But then one day, a Focus strayed away from the rest of the heard at exactly the same time as a Land Rover (possibly a Discovery) strayed away and they met in the darkest of nights. Both pissed as farts from all the partying.
And they got it on, and Marvin Gaye sung, and there were fireworks.
After a gestation period of several months a baby was born from this meeting...
Looking slightly sheepish, and trying to find its legs...
But rather than casting out the abonination, the blue oval and the green oval rejoiced and received many revenues!
And then BMW got in on the scene... It had cloned the Land Rover's DNA and with a bit of tweaking it came out with the X5...
Which strangely was only bought by people with the word 'banker' in their job titles.
Similarly so, BMW had also cloned the DNA of the Focuseses, stretched it, and filled it with toys to produce the BMW 3 Series...
But again, this was only bought by complete bankers.
Upon seeing the success of the Land Rover / Focus baby, the Freelander, BMW demanded a piece of the action too, so they wined and dined a X5 and a BMW 3 series, and sure enough, a few months later, the X3 was born to its slightly-dirty-feeling parents...
But that wasn't bought by anybody. At least not by anybody with sense.
The X3 was the bastard lovechild of two bastard lovechildren, each generation driven by spite and greed.
Being sensible, the blue and green ovals stopped mating their different-sized generations for fear of polluting the gene pool too much.
They sensibly decided that merging a car and an off roader to produce a 'soft roader' was enough meddling, and allowed for enough of a fine-grained purchase decision to end it all there.
But the angry, greedy spiteful people at BMW stil wanted their own success.
They waited until two 3-series had mated and a 1-series was born...
BMW then immediately kidnapped the 1-series and forced it into underage sexual acts with a new-born baby X3, sickening acts were performed that each baby vehicle were too young to understand.
All in the name of creating a niche in the market.
But sure enough (as automotive anatomy is a bit funny that way) there was a baby born several months later that was neither car nor soft roader.
BMW had produced the X1...
And everybody was forced to look at BMW with suspicious sideways glances, as if they'd just forced babies to mate or something...
Personally, I think it was something in the German water, as not even Audi (my favouritest brand in the entire world) were immune from this interbreeding of generations...
We had already seen what happened when a Land Rover and an Audi had secretly mated, the mighty Audi Allroad was the result...
And then they mated the All Road with a Land Rover to produce the Q7, a vulgar but purposeful off roader...
But then the interbreeding continued, resulting in the Q5...
(yes, that isn't the same as the Q7...)
And some more interbreeding of babies naturally gave us the Q3...
Now, though, Audi have announced they have been making even more babies have sex and the Q1 is on its way....
And you know something...I like it.
It's obviously already been getting its end away with a A3 because the Audi A1 has also recently been announced...
and that's a cute looking car (the Fiestas better watch out!!)
And Audi's DNA tweaking is obviously infinitely better than BMWs because they have even mentioned a Speedster version of the A1...
Yes please...
So the morale of the story is this: you can make babies have sex, and sometimes this is wrong. But other times when babies have sex, they have babies that are the Audi A1 Speedster. And only then is it right.
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